Well I broke my big toe on my left foot in the beginning of November. My podiatrist gave me permission to start exercising right before Christmas, and I haven't started yet. Boo. I recently started eating Fit for Life again, and am logging it on Peer Trainer again, but I am still struggling with feeling any self worth. I saw myself slipping further and further into a depression and I let myself do it. I gained all the weight I lost after I gave birth to Gavin and then some.
It's hard to list all the things I've been struggling with but I'm going to do it, because I don't know how else to let myself heal than to just put it out there.
#1 Our house we bought in Buffalo, WY has just had the auction happen, and now we have three months left to still see if we can sell it, and if we can't it will be on KJ's credit as a foreclosure.
#2 My son Kermit is a huge headache in our (my husband and myself) lives right now. If I had the patience and budget Kermit and I should both be going to counseling. I've never had such a temper than with him. He doesn't obey anything we ask him to do. He constantly teases his brothers. He constantly whines until he gets his way. He tells us when he doesn't get his way, "this is why I don't want to be in this family, or that he just wants to die". I know what you're thinking. Oh my gosh Sheila, this is serious. You need to get him to a doctor. And I should. We did take him to a Counselor about a 1 1/2 years ago and he simply said he's just a hard child. He doesn't have Defiance Disorder (which is what I asked the doctor if he had), and he doesn't have ADHD, which is what 2 of his teachers thought he might have. Besides, I don't believe in medicating kids, or adults for that matter. I myself have been to multiple counselors and been on multiple medications for depression and none of them have worked long term. They work for about 2-3 weeks, and I go back and tell the doctor and he tries me on another one until I give up. Well, I've given up on medication long ago for myself (not to mention that I don't believe in it). Long story short is this counselor I took Kermit to essentially told me that I would have to learn different parenting techniques and use them on Kermit and find which one works on him. I should read and look into these techniques further, but haven't' taken the time yet. Who has the time when they have 4 other kids they have to worry about. It's easier to pretty much give Kermit his way and not have to fight and argue with him until he's blue in the face whining for what he wants until I end up giving it to him just to get him to shut up. Wow, I really hope no one actually reads this stuff.
#3 I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My parents brought me up in this religion. I started quite young rebelling against certain parts of the religion, but always felt it was true, just wanted to feel like I was the one making the decision and not that it was because my parents were forcing me to do it. Again, long story short, I have not been going to church lately and feel like there is a part of me missing. A big reason I don't go anymore is because of my husband and also my son Kermit who complains every time we go. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if we don't start going soon that it will become something that we will either never do again, or not do for a long time. I'm afraid of my parents. I believe they will shun me. I've done quite a few things that they are unaware of from my past that they would be very unhappy about.
#4 I'm lonely. I don't have any close friends that I hang out with. I don't feel like very many people understand me. I don't like people to feel bad for me. I do get together with my mom and sisters once/week, but I feel like an outsider. I don't put much input into the conversations. They almost always talk about someone and put him/her down every time we get together and he/she doesn't deserve the criticism they give him/her. I feel very bad for this person who gets criticized and wonder if they do the same to me when I'm not in the room.
#5 I still don't know how to totally let go of all of the hurt feelings I still feel from my failed marriage. I in no way want to EVER get back with this person, just so that's straight. I just feel hurt. I feel like part of my heart has broken and I don't know how to repair it. I feel like he took it and ripped it and stomped on it and I'm just shattered. It's not a new revelation. I've known for sometime that in alot of ways I'm damaged goods. If KJ ever refuses to eat what I've cooked I'm like a little child and will refuse to cook for quite some time. I don't want to list them all, just know that that failed marrage left me a broken person.
I really want my Heavenly Father to waive his hand and take all of these pains away from me. I know he can. I'm just supose to have the faith, but I feel like my faith has been broken also. How much pain can one person endure. If I could just give at least half of these pains away I would hope to be forever greatfull. Well, with all of the tears aside I am going to start exercising and hopefully make it all the way this time. I've given my big toe more than enough time to heal.
Reasons I Can Loose It All This Time:
1. I've lost 50 of it before and know it can work.
2. I am a good person and I do deserve good health.
3. I want to be in good health to enjoy my children, my husband, and ENJOY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!
4. I understand what is good healthy food and know that a little slip up doesn't mean I'm quitting.
5. I am learning to love myself and in turn will be able to love those around me more fully!